Emotional regulation is a child’s ability to understand, manage and respond to their feelings in a way that is appropriate to the situation. It’s not about “being calm all the time”, it’s about learning how to cope with big emotions like frustration, excitement, disappointment and anger.
Like all developmental skills, emotional regulation takes time, support and practice.
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to:
- recognise and name feelings
- understand what those feelings mean
- manage emotional responses
- return to a calm, organised state after becoming upset
Young children are not born with this ability. They rely on adults to help them regulate before they can do it independently. This is called co-regulation.
Over time, with repeated support and experience, children begin to develop their own self-regulation skills.
Why emotional regulation matters
Emotional regulation plays a key role in how children function across all areas of life.
At school
Children with developing regulation skills are better able to:
- cope with transitions and changes
- manage frustration during learning tasks
- follow instructions
- interact positively with peers
- persist with challenges
When regulation is difficult, children may appear withdrawn, overwhelmed or display behaviours such as outbursts or avoidance.
At home
Emotional regulation supports:
- smoother daily routines
- flexibility when plans change
- managing sibling relationships
- coping with limits and boundaries
In social situations
Regulation helps children:
- read social cues
- respond appropriately to others
- manage disappointment or conflict
- build and maintain friendships
What does emotional dysregulation look like?
All children experience big emotions, but some may need extra support to manage them.
Signs a child may be finding emotional regulation challenging include:
- frequent meltdowns or intense reactions
- difficulty calming down once upset
- low frustration tolerance
- impulsive behaviours
- withdrawing or shutting down
- difficulty with transitions
- becoming overwhelmed in busy or noisy environments
- rigid thinking or difficulty coping with change
These behaviours are often a child’s way of communicating that something feels too hard.
What skills underpin emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is supported by several underlying abilities:
Interoception (body awareness)
The ability to notice internal body signals like hunger, tiredness or a racing heart. This helps children recognise early signs of emotions.
Sensory processing
Some children are more sensitive to noise, movement, touch or visual input, which can impact their ability to stay regulated.
Executive functioning
Skills like impulse control, flexible thinking and working memory all support regulation.
Language skills
Being able to describe feelings and needs helps children express themselves instead of acting out.
Social understanding
Recognising emotions in others and understanding social situations supports positive relationships.
How to support emotional regulation
Children learn emotional regulation through relationships, routine and repeated experiences.
1. Co-regulate first
Before children can regulate themselves, they need a calm adult to support them.
What this looks like:
- staying calm and present
- using a soft, steady voice
- acknowledging their feelings (“That was really frustrating”)
- offering comfort or space as needed
2. Build emotional awareness
Help children understand and name their feelings.
- label emotions during everyday moments
- use books or visuals about feelings
- talk about your own emotions in simple ways
- use emotion charts or zones
3. Create predictable routines
Consistency helps children feel safe and reduces emotional overwhelm.
- keep daily routines predictable
- give warnings before transitions
- use visual schedules if helpful
4. Teach calming strategies (when calm)
Children learn best when they are already regulated.
- deep breathing (e.g., “smell the flower, blow out the candle”)
- squeezing a stress ball
- quiet time in a calm space
- movement breaks (jumping, pushing, climbing)
- listening to music
5. Support sensory needs
Some children regulate better with movement or sensory input.
- heavy work (pushing, carrying, climbing)
- access to quiet spaces
- fidget tools
- regular movement breaks
6. Keep expectations realistic
Big emotions are a normal part of development.
- focus on progress, not perfection
- remember that behaviour is communication
- avoid expecting adult-level control from young children
7. Repair and reconnect
After a difficult moment, connection is key.
What this looks like:
- talking about what happened once calm
- problem-solving together
- reassuring the child they are safe and supported
Simple phrases that help
Instead of:
- “Calm down”
- “Stop crying”
- “You’re fine”
Try:
- “I can see this is really hard”
- “I’m here with you”
- “Let’s work through this together”
- “Your feelings make sense”
These responses help children feel understood and supported.
When to seek support from an Occupational Therapist
If emotional regulation challenges are impacting your child’s daily life, relationships or participation, an occupational therapist can help.
OT support may include:
- understanding your child’s unique sensory and emotional profile
- identifying triggers and patterns
- building practical regulation strategies
- supporting routines at home and school
- working on underlying skills like body awareness and executive functioning
Early support can make a significant difference in a child’s confidence and wellbeing.
Emotional regulation is a skill that develops over time with support, patience and connection. Children don’t need perfect behaviour, they need safe relationships where they can learn, practice and grow.
If you have concerns about your child’s emotional responses or ability to cope with everyday situations, support is available. Our Occupational Therapists can work with you to build strategies that suit your child and your family.